Kebenaran dan Perasaan

Hai kamu, adakah kamu merinduku?
Sebesar aku merindumu, rindu gelak tawa kakumu.

Aku dulu pernah meletakkan tanganku di bahumu,
Tepat ketika hujan pertama menerpamu.
Kita berdua sangat naif, tidak mengetahui apapun tentang dunia...hingga kini.

Hujan itu bagimu sangat deras. Tidak berkawan. Menjadikanmu gelisah akan masa depan.
Aku disana, menjadikannya gerimis.
Demi kamu, demi aku. Demi kembalinya cahaya.
Kau masih merasakan rintik airnya menerpa wajah dan tubuhmu, tapi aku lah yang menjadikannya rintik kecil tidak bermakna.

Aku dulu pernah memelukmu, saat badai menerpa tiada ampun.
Kupikir kau pasti membutuhkanku, seperti aku butuh kau untuk membutuhkanku.
Aku pernah membisikimu dengan jutaan kebahagiaan..persahabatan.
Bahkan di detik-detik moment keajaiban bagimu, aku hadir disana.
Akulah yang memayungimu, bahkan saat badai telah pergi menjauh dari kita semua, aku tetap bertahan demi kamu.

Aku pernah menjadi segala sesuatu yang kau perlukan, melalui panasnya amarah dan dinginnya rasa takut.
Bahkan saat musim berganti, aku akan berdiri tegak disana, menantang hawa yang tak menentu.

Aku adalah bayanganmu, aku adalah kepak sayapmu.
Namun kutahu, bahwa tiada yang abadi....tiada yang sempurna.
Inilah jalan kita, diantara yang terjadi dan yang tertulis.
Melalui kesadaran atau hilangnya daya ingat manusia.

Our Friendship is (not) on the Crossroads

Dear lullaby, my sweet melody of the lonely heart, my remedy in every single heartbreak.
The one who will stand by me, through my sorrows and yours.
The one who will laugh with me and who's not afraid to laugh at me.
That's what you are to me. That's how I describe my friendship with you.

Tell me, what do you think a 'friendship' is?
Is it only a word that describe that people need each other?
Do you think it's just a simple thing that someone can use randomly, to almost everyone?

I think you all have your own answers, various ones.
Whatever that is, I respect your answers, I respect your friendships. I respect you.
And I love the variety in life.

I think, sometimes I'm a complex person. It's not easy to understand me, to understand what I want, to understand why I want it or to understand ho I do it.
It's just me...and I'm known for that.

My friendships with people, started with almost brief conversations..for examples; about hobbies, about life, about anything.
I said 'friendships with people', yes...I made very close friends with people and I have no problem with that.
I'm not sure with other people though. Yes, sure I make 'friendships' with a lot of people, but I don't call every single of them 'best friend'. Just a few.

I can safely say that my little sister is my best friend. A very active, witty, smart, kind, cheerful but also sensitive young woman. I know that she'll always be there for me as I am to her. I know that we will stick for each other. She's my baby sister and sometimes I think of her as my own kid. LOL. We can't keep a secret to each other. Once, she tried to hide a very beautiful thing that happened to her from me. But it didn't take her very long until she told me the truth.

Of course she has other close friends, her own peers, that happens to me too.
We socialize with people. But that doesn't stop us from being true to each other and keep on caring.

Sometimes, the meaning of 'friendship' itself blurred by our selfish mind or heart.
While writing this sentence 'selfish mind or heart', I can't stop thinking of how the sentence sounded..odd.
Yes, you can be a very bit (or a lot) selfish in your mind. Things that going on to you, create some maps in your brain. These maps have their own memories about what happened in the past. When something new happens to you, these maps will first search for the same or at least the similar event that happened before, then after the maps find it, the maps will act or react exactly the same like before.
That's one of the reasons, when something bad happened to you and Mr. A did it, your chance of doing exact the same like when bad things happened to you and Mr. B was the one to be blame. So...it was on your mind!

Heart....it grows every day. Do you?
Your mind says no, but heart says yes. What do you do? What to do? What to say? Your mind says 'let it go', your heart says 'don't'.
Your heart keeps telling you that there is bigger meaning in everything that happens, your mind wants to get the hell out of there as soon as possible.
Your heart is kind to you, but your mind wants you to be wiser and stronger.

People can wish to have friendship or best friends like Carrie and friends from 'Sex and the City'. They talk, walk, arguing, caring, loving, eating, sleeping, running...everything in style. Well, you could be like that too, of course it's costly or not.
Or..to have simple teenager friendship like the novel 'Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants'.
Or...they can establish their own friendship 'theme' or style. Just do it! You'll love it.

I really don't know what went through my mind, when I was browsing through Facebook the other day, and was drawn to a certain person's profile. All I had in mind, was that I wanted to look at her profile before I started my work.
I considered her a dear close friend of mine, and I guess it was alright to just browse through.
Things that was supposed to be simple, ended as a big deal to me. I browsed every photo albums that she has. And no, I can't find photos ( or even a photo ) of me and her. Except for the photos that has been tagged to her. I wonder, am I meant something to her? is our friendship meant something to her?
Should I make a huge deal of the non-existence of photos of me? Should I make a huge deal of what's been through my mind?
And then I realized, all of these times, I (or should I say our friendship) was never meant the whole thing to her...or even a bit.
For some moment, I flashed back every single events that happened to us.
I thought I was very kind to her though her heart break moments...
I thought I stood up for her in every single things that happened...
I thought I was the one who held her tight when the storm hit her...
I thought I was the one who whispered beautiful and calming prayers to her ears...
I thought I was her best friend... the way she is to me...
I guess...my thoughts are wrong.


Every now and then, I still have a certain thinking about what to do with my feelings. The feelings that saying that I'm being forgotten, that I was left behind, or that I'm not meant anything.
Questions running through my mind; am I not cool enough? am I not funny enough? or maybe I'm not sensitive? or maybe she wants someone who will let her do things she likes without anyone telling her 'no'?


I think people have these problems too. What to do when you find out that your best friend is about to marry a man who hurt her the most in the past? That she ran to you for protection and then she decided to still in love with him and marry him? That he's in love with someone else? That you know how she was broken into pieces by this man but she still love him?

But what if you ask for explanation and she can't give you, because she has no idea what the answer is? How can you explain to your own feeling? How can your heart accepts the unexplainable?

Should you just let them be and see how it's going to lead them somewhere? Because like she said; love finally conquers everything.
Should you conquered by love too? By the love of your friendship? By the bond that you have for many years...through sickness and happiness.
Or should you play nuts and careless about things? Because yeah, when she doesn't care about you or your opinion, why do you have to care about her?
Is that it?

What about the past? Things you shared together?
What about happiness above everything? What about caring each other..no matter what!
What about it? What about you? What about friendship?

Then again, they're all coming back to me. Am I too much? Am I making this a huge deal? Shouldn't I worry much?

Tell me, what do you think a 'friendship' is?